Yep, today is my 20th birthday, wowzas. Today started off pretty great, church, friend, family, happiness. I got to spend the afternoon with various family members and friends in Avondale, dragging my roommates along the whole way. I had to really laugh at the gift I received from my younger sister: two sacks full of groceries. I had previously told her that I was too poor to buy groceries, so she solved this by getting me some today, which I really really appreciate, it will be nice to eat something other than turkey and cheese sandwiches lol. I also have the best former home teacher ever, Mr. Jerod Hartley, who got me tickets to go see Anberlin for my birthday and I am super stoked to do that, since I haven't been to a show since high school. I am very thankful for so many friends who care about me, perhaps more than I deserve sometimes, and for all of the kind words I received today. :)
I have been caught up in too-deep thought today. I hate days when I find myself thinking way too much. Some thoughts include: the fact that it took me 18 years to find true happiness (through my conversion) and that I really wish I could have found it sooner; I really really feel like sitting alone outside, somewhere somewhat pretty, and just play my guitar and sing, which is a difficult task in itself since I am rather unskilled; the bishop's talk today on the importance of marriage, "just do it", and the conclusions and concerns I am drawing from that; I cannot do everything on my own, and although it is one of hardest things for my stubborn self to do, I have to ask for help, which I did today, and feel extremely yucky about losing a portion of my independency; I am not happy with school, which makes me wonder if I am in the right field, since I dislike 4/5 of my classes; my apartment is way too messy, and I really wish I had more time to devote to cleanliness, but I barely have time to sleep at this point let alone clean; I am feeling this void in my life, it is a very obvious void, only obvious in the fact that I know it exists, because I have no idea what that void is and I really wish I could fill it; I wish I had more time to go running, I miss that freedom so much; Even though it is my 20th birthday, I feel like it is my 30th, ok that's an exaggeration, maybe my 26th lol, just because I have so much on my plate and can feel my childhood slipping through my fingers. I rememeber being so carefree, excited about just life in general, funny, and always wearing a smile, yet lately I feel like I am drained of joy, sleep, and sunshine. oh boy. way too deep thought today. It's my birthday and I will cry if I want to, ha ha.
Love, Madi
2 comments:
So seeing how I am a whole lot closer to 26 than you are, the same thoughts will still be there when you are 25! It is just all about what you do with them! Just remember that it only took you 18 years (me too!) but there are others that it took much longer!
Babe you are amazing. You're doing everything just like you're supposed to, don't worry. Maybe it took 18 years to find true happiness so that you would know it when you found it. And never fear: we will clean up our apartment. :)
Post a Comment