I have always tried to be fairly positive about all aspects of my life. I usually welcome trials as an opportunity for growth and with the knowledge that Heavenly Father knows I can survive it. But lately I have just felt the exact opposite. I feel so unenthusiastic, nervous, scared, and overall just lost. As a way of hopefully confronting these odd and rather disturbing emotions, I am going to get right at the source!
Possible sources:
1. The semester is ending.
Normally this would be cause for rejoicing, but since I am not going to school next semester I feel like I am closing a door that I am not ready to close. Yes, I know I will be right back in school once I get off my mission, but still! I don't feel any closure to this part of my life and it just seems like this is not the right time for me to be postponing my education.
2. The mission
I am 100% super stoked to be serving a full-time mission for the church. I wish I could leave right now! But, despite my excitement and my willingness to serve in this capacity, I regret to admit that there is some fear attached. What will it be like? Where will I go? Will I be successful? Will it be dangerous? How will I afford it? Will I be the same person when I come home? Will I still have a group of loving and supportive friends when I get home? Will my family learn to support me? Wow, more questions than I anticipated. I understand that these uncertainties are probably common, but it still scares me that I have no many concerns. Fear is the opposite of faith, so I definitely do not want to fear, I want to just know that whatever happens is going to be for my best.
3. Moving
In about a week I will be moving back in with my Dad in Avondale so that I can save money. I haven't lived with him since I joined the church, and he is not too keen on my religious beliefs, so that makes me nervous. I have no good lds friends in Avondale. The family out in Avondale that baptized me has moved to Michigan and I don't even want to think of what Avondale is going to be like without them being there for me. I feel like I am at a point in my life when I am going to need a lot of support and strength, especially as I prepare to enter the temple and to serve a mission, yet I am moving to a place where there will be very little strength or support. This will be a true test for me, and to be honest, I am scared out of my mind. I do not want to fail, but I feel as if failure is looming over my head.
Well, there it is, time to stand a little taller, paste on a smile, and try my best to survive. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. :)
8 comments:
Oh Madison...I just want to give you a huge hug!!
I totally know how you feel about the semester ending. I don't feel at all ready to be finished with school and beginning a new chapter. The end came up way too fast, lol. These new phases in life can be scary for everyone, but you're an amazing person and you will never really be alone. I hope we can remain friends while you're away!
And yes, you can do this!! :)
Madi, you definitely can do this! Take it from someone who has endless faith in you :)
MADI you totally can do this stuff!!! Also i have had so many of the same fears you have! We should have a pre-missionary friend talk!
Ah Madison! I know we don't talk very often but I have faith you will be strong in this transition! You are an awesome person who deserves nothing but the best!
Madison you are doing such a great job!!! i know you can do this and i have so much faith in you, and i know you are such a great teacher when it comes to the gospel. I will come down to Avondale and be with you as much as i can(until you get sick of me ;)) YOU GOT THIS HOMES
Avondale will be kind. There is a branch out there. I go out there all to often. As far as life goes a little apprehension is good in my mind. It means you are seriously contemplating your decision, and that makes it easier to stand by them in the end. Continually pray and just now that things the once were right can change. All things can change.
I don't know how exactly it feels to be getting ready to go on a mission, but I can tell you that even getting ready to get married, which is going to be the happiest day of my life, is accompanied by some of the most unexpected feelings and even a bit of fear. Take hope that you are not an exception because the uncertainty of everything ahead is something you're wary about. And remember, YOU ARE SO LOVED!
and I'll send you letters that I type on my typewriter. :]
Just remember that the only reason you are afraid is becasue you don't know.And more importantly most of the time when things are said and done they often come out more rewarding than thought! Hang in there kiddo! You know you have all the support in the world if you need it!
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